she's getting here as fast as she can.

I've just been thinking for a while, why is it so hard for me to get a girlfriend, when around me so many guys are all being snapped up? do I have too high standards? too fat? too stupid? not romantic enough? too desperate? too ugly?

It could be all that and more.

or maybe, just maybe, God is paving the way for me to be the man I have to Be for my perfect woman. cos when I meet her, it will be just normal. just like meeting anyone else. but as we get to know each other, as we get to where we have to be where love blossoms, as we become the person we need to become for it to work, God will be working in our lives. in her life. in my life. and when god decides that we're finally right for each other, he will let love blossom in our lives.

sometimes I tire of waiting for God. but i know deep down that just anyone won't work. He's got that special someone waiting for me. and though the world may say"he/she's the one" I believe that the truth behind it is that God knows who the one is for you and me. and when god allows it to happen, it will be amazing.

many times, I've rushed ahead. decided to love someone who wouldn't, couldn't reciprocate. and each time I got burned. and yet i didn't learn. and I tried my hardest to make it work. and it always failed. 

I do have someone I care deeply about now. but with this friendship, I will not rush ahead. I cannot. I must allow God to work, make room for him in my life. to show me, to take me where he wants to lead me. Because his plan for my life is more exciting, more awesome, more extravagant than anything i could ever imagine. and I want that.

Sometimes, I get tired of waiting for her to get here. but then i remember, She's getting here as fast as she can.

God's reply

"He who finds his life will lose it, and
he who loses his life for My sake will find it."

MATTHEW 10:39

a few days back, i posted about something. god replied in an email to me:

Each time you lose a part of your life, you will find Christ's Life is right there to fill the void. Every single time. This is a spiritual truth, and there are no exceptions to the rule. Think of what it means. The more I give to Him, the more He gives to me. I trade in my life in exchange for His Life.

Which would you rather have? Do you want your life, your failures, your mistakes, your frustrations, your sins? Or would you rather give that up in exchange for His Life? You can have either one you want, but you cannot have both.

Leaving, never to come back again?

they were my replacement family. i was the cool older brother, who sometimes got them into trouble, but was always there when they needed help, or needed a ride.

for 7 years i grew with them, until i left, and was then kind of an outsider. but they always welcomed me back like i never left. until they didn't. 

my family wasn't really all that close, but we accepted each other, for all the flaws, mistakes and such, and grew together. until we didn't. and they didn't want me around anymore.

and then this week came another "we don't want you around anymore".

just like my first family, they decided they have had enough of me. and just like an old toy, they discarded me like so much trash.

I guess I should be used to it by now.

I guess I should just let it all go.

when someone doesn't want you around and you're still there, it just gets weird.

I grew to love this second family of mine.

but they said "go away, and stay away".

and deep down, I know they'll always be a part of me. right down to the very core, they would be the ones who taught me how to hold on to God in every circumstance, to look to God for guidance, to pray and never give up.

but nothing is forever. and they moved on without me. and i'm left behind with nothing but echoes and misty memories of days past.

I look to the future with hope, to the past with regret, and to the present with remorse.

now i see them having fun doing things, and i search the photos to see where i am in those events, but then i remember, i wasn't there. because no one invited me. and when i found out about it myself, they told me not to come.

i'm better off just staying away, because seeing them, it just breaks my heart.

God, i need you now.